The Day My Five Year Old Hijacked the Blog

My plan for today was to take a ride on Ninja Mom’s Character Assassination Carousal. I mean, after reading her awesome book, “I Just Want to Pee Alone,” (review here) I am going all out to be her new bestie. I was all pumped up to write this hilarious post assassinating some pitiful character who had the audacity to tell me and my kid that everyone poops or some giant red dog who gets on my last nerve or those idiot animals who are all holed up in a boat together and don’t recognize how stupid it is to take a bath and then exercise. I was especially pumped after reading Kelley’s assasination of the famed and beloved book, Love You Forever.

And then guess what happened??

My five year old hijacked my blog. He took my spot in line for the ride like the greedy little moocher that he is! Is there nothing in this house that can just be mine?

Not even my blog?!

Nothing is sacred.

On the other hand, perhaps this post explains why Gavin has been refusing to let Nathan and I read the Pigeon books to him. And when we insisted, and told him that one night a week we got to pick the book . . . and the book suspiciously happened to be a Pigeon book, why the books just “disappeared.”

Hi! I’m Gavin.

I know that you are used to hearing my mom talk about things like Pinterest, and posts, and stuff, but the other day I heard her talking to my dad about a Carnival Invitation . . . Cartwheel Escalation . . . no. Maybe it was a Tater Sanitation . . . ?

I don’t know.

But it had something to do with someone being naughty, and she was going to tell you all about it.

Thank goodness I got to you first, because actually, my mom never tattles. She doesn’t even really like me tattling either. My mom only thinks its worth talking about if someone is “bleeding” or “dying,” but let me tell you, sometimes information about a stolen toy, a broken lego castle, or crackers taken in an unlawful manner are important details!

I think we are getting off topic though. Let’s talk pigeons. Actually, let’s talk about pigeons who don’t want to do what they’re told. I think you know who I’m talking about. A certain pigeon who thinks its okay to hoard hot dogs, stay up late, and drive trucks. A certain pigeon who thinks he’s above the rules.

Who does this guy think he is?

Did you know that he wanted to stay up late when he was specifically told not to??

What does he think bedtime is?? Just some random arbitrary time made up by grown ups to ensure that we are out of their hair for a couple of hours a day? Rules are rules, Pigeon!

Oh! Oh, you think my mom would let you stay up late?? Oh! Clearly you’ve never met her. My mom is more obsessed with a strict bedtime than I am about digging for cave bats in my nose!

 

 

Sure, sure. You make an excellent point, Pigeon. Who is that werido, and who put him in charge? I think questioning authority is actually a healthy thing to do . . . 

But that doesn’t mean you should go all nuts and throw a tantrum! You look like my mom at 4:45 in the afternoon while she is making dinner and I’m asking for a snack for the 7,000th time.

Pull it together, dude.

On the other hand, you make a good point, Pigeon . . . you do seem to make some sense . . . sometimes you do need to yell and flail your arms to get your point across. And while we are on the subject, Pigeon, you might want to lay down next time and kick your feet into the floor. And try to get more squeal into your yell. You know, the sound that only dogs can hear? That really gets their attention.

But look, Pigeon. While you do seem to be making a lot of sense here, you are clearly tired. That was a huge yawn!

Oh, oh, I see. Not a yawn? That happens to me all the time too! Did you know that sometimes I get something in my eye, or it gets really itchy, or I just feel like touching it a lot, and my mom accuses me of being tired, rubbing my eyes, and needing a nap! I do know what it feels like to be seriously misunderstood . . . 

Okay. You’ve made some great points, Pigeon! You clearly don’t need to go to bed! I better get a grown up to come take care of this for you . . . where is my mom?

{In a voice that is louder than a five year old should reasonably be able to be}

MOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!

Gavin is a five year old and son to the blogger, Lisa from Wine & Glue. This is his first time hijacking the blog, so go easy on him. His favorite word is actually, and when he is not busy tattling on his little sister, taking over empires with armies of men that have holes in their legs and no facial expression, he is eating apples and macaroni and cheese and staring dreamily out the window, thinking about a time when he will decide what books he gets to read at bedtime and when said bedtime will take place.

Next in line to take a ride, Synnove from Don’t Chew on the Dinner Table